Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle.
He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome
with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any
longer, take my tube."
Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the
first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle. As she's getting on
the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My
family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during
dinner, you have to do the dishes."
When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the
dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there
are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.
They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody
is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops her right there
on the dining room table.Nobody says nothing. He's still a little horny, and
her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws
her mother up on the table and starts to do her. He's just about done with her,
when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle.
He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.
Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking
dishes."
A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."
Nancy Reagan is the celebrity contestant on Password. It's
her turn to guess the word.
Voice Over: And the password is. . . black dick!
Nancy: Um. . . is it a place?
Her partner: No. Nancy: Is it a person?
Her partner: No. Nancy: Hmm, then it must be a thing. Um, is it something I
might want to eat?
Her partner, exasperated: Well, I dunno, maybe.
Nancy: Is it black dick?
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years
and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land
in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week
and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when
someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter
standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the
ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink
with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More
'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Damn", Sam thinks...
"Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there.
Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some
wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone
for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna
be the two of us."
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy walks in the door, he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks "So, how was I?" She says "Well ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
A man wants to introduce his nephew to the game of sex. The young man is worried that he might not do it right so his uncle comes up with a plan. The young man will get a hooker, wine her and dine her, then take her back to his apartment for a night of pleasure. The uncle will be in the bedroom closet so if the boy has a problem, he can shout it out, and from the closet will come the answer about what to do. That night everything is going according to the plan. When they get back to the apartment the hooker gets into bed while the young man goes to the bathroom to put on a condom. The hooker suddenly gets a cramp and must go to the bathroom now! She feels around the bed and grabs an empty shoe box and takes a big dump in it. Now here comes the young man walking in the dark room. He steps in the shoe box and shouts out, "There's shit in the box, there's shit in the box . From the closet comes the reply, "Then roll her over!"
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four
days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first
friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why
don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you
hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our
experiences over the campfire."
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into
a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then
I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer
come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies
and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to
the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had
sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could
barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than
mine. Did you get a blow job, too?" "Nah," says the second friend
over his meal, "I couldn't find her head anywhere."
Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert
island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills
herself. After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing,
they bury her. After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing,
they dug her up again.
